I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
every college guy’s fridge
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.