The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.