TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop