Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
that’s really how it is
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this