The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
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Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food