When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
That’s fair
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.