Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
You Might Also Like
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.