The news is so predictable nowadays
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Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
an octopus is just a wet spider
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
$3 #books
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes