My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
the three branches of government
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?