Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.