Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
This cat wants you to take your pills
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.