My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I love it all
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.