Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
You Might Also Like
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?