i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle