Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.