Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Coffee for people with no kids
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.