*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.