My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
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Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Hmmmmm
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
yeet
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.