You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You Might Also Like
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure