bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
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Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
is this a threat
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this