Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
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[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
fr
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
*me flirting
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.