Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.