No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed