*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
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waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
This came to me in a dream.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.