No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
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I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.