Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Spa day..😅
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.