⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
You Might Also Like
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry