What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.