*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.