[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
lmfao
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?