I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Beauty and the Beast
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday