I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building