The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*