SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS