I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.