I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
yeah no that’s fair
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA