waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
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The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
taking June’s advice to heart
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow