Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.