The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Yup
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.