annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.