My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
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Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Aight bet
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭