Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it