It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
😆this is so true
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
so weird how every mom was born today
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*