*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.