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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
They must have gotten it to go.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume