i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown