My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
You Might Also Like
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.