my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”