“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?