texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
You Might Also Like
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
constantly working on myself.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.